This summer I had a disagreement with my sister over my children, whom she felt were disturbing others as they were exploring in the creek out back of a vacation home. Keep in mind that she has only one daughter and is not use to boys at all! One thing I learned is that staying in one home with 5 of my siblings and their families was just too much. Before this, I had never had a conflict with any of my siblings (there are 8) and was considered the peace maker. I was not sure where all of this was coming from because my boys are just normally active boys in my opinion. I also know that she had been feeling overwhelmed with the chaos in the house so was a little stressed out prior to this.
Through taking this class I have learned that not all conflict is non productive, and infact can have a positive outsome. However, unproductive conflict can damage relationships when managed poorly as I found out. I think "power" dynamics played a big part because my sister is older than me and she does not think that I should have my own voice. Another problem was that she attacked my boys and their character. If she would have come to me in a respectful way I would have been more apt to listen instead of become defensive. Also, the climate was uncertain and I was unclear as to what all she was referring to, and when I asked clarifying questions it set her off because she thought that meant that I was calling her a liar. I finally relented and walked away which annoyed her too.
The productive side is that I have learned what changes I might need to make in the future, or what I need to avoid. As I look back I can see differerent strategies that I could have used to help resolve and defuse the situation. One of those strategies would have been to avoid verbal aggressiveness and keep the focus on the issue. Another strategy would have been to take on a more active listening part and wait until she was finished to ask clarifying questions instead of interupting. Also, I have learned that the way I ask the questions can either provoke or affirm. In addition, I could have used some of the principles of the third side such as seeking to first understand her side and find out what her goal was before I jumped to conclusions. Learning these strategies will allow me to communicate better and avoid certain confrontations in the future. I still think that it is easier to do when both parties are trying to use the NVC method instead of just one party.
Do any of you have any words of insight regarding conflict among adult siblings where your children are the focus? How do you keep from becoming defensive?
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